A blog about pee.

If you are a woman, then you will know what I am talking about, probably from the get-go. If you are a man, then sit back and relax while you learn some things about women you may or may not have known.

Alright.

When you are a small child, there will come a time when you are forced to use a public restroom. Parents are required to teach their children the rules and regulations of these often rancid places. For fathers, this lesson is simple enough - stand. pee. flush. Mothers, on the other hand, face a more difficult choice. Which method will you use when it comes time to teach your daughter to use a public toilet?

There are three methods that are most common in these circumstances, and they are as follows:

1.) I like to refer to the first method as "regular." The regular method consists of sitting on the toilet and peeing. No prep, no worry. Oftentimes, people fear that this method is unsanitary and dangerous. With an average of less than 1,000 bacteria per square inch however, nothing could be further than the truth. Less than 1,000 b/si is the guideline that most doctors use to qualify a surface as "sanitary" - which means that you're better off eating off of the toilet seat than you would be eating by the sink faucet (which holds, on average, 50,000 b/si.)

2.) The second method is the "toilet seat cover" method. I feel like this method is overrated, really. First of all, fewer and fewer public restrooms are stocking disposable toilet seat covers, which makes the whole process sort of a nusance - the only alternative is to line the seat with squares or strips of toilet paper before sitting down. As Americans, we already use over 7 million trees' worth of toilet paper annually - it seems as though maybe we could take a break and cut back on any excess restroom paper consumption. Now, assuming that you are absolutely sold on the idea of covering the seat before you sit, consider this. If there is any moisture on the seat before you start, it is going to seep through the liner once the pressure of your bottom has been applied. Perhaps you've thought of this, and you're doubling or tripling up on your layers. Is that to say that you don't even remotely shift during the whole of your stay on that public toilet? Because if you budge, even a little, the odds of your bare bottom touching the bare toilet seat are pretty high. And once bottom touches seat, do you know what happens? That's right, nothing. We've talked about this.

3.) The third method is the one that bothers me most of all. It's called the "hover." Apparently, there is a school of thought that assumes that hovering, or squatting, over the toilet seat is the best of both worlds. No need to line the toilet seat with paper, but still no need for your ass to touch the seat itself. However, hovering is in no way an exact science. Messes are easily made in these instances, which can prove to be largely uninviting to the person who next uses that stall. Unfortunately, there is also a subclass of hoverers that I like to refer to as "fucking disgusting." These are the women who perform some sort of spraying maneuver during their trip to the ladies' room, causing urine to cover the seat, the floor, and any other nearby surfaces - and then leave without cleaning up. Although urine is a sterile substance, and dealing with it is luckily not an unsanitary activity, it is still relatively rancid to have to wipe someone else's pee away before being able to comfortably use the facilities. Please be considerate hoverers - you are not the only person using this restroom today. Oh, and PS. Since hovering over the seat doesn't allow your bladder to relax fully, it may not empty completely. Residual urine in your bladder can breed bacteria, which can lead to urinary tract infections and, over time, incontinence. So cut it out. Really.


This has been my note about pee. If you know either a toilet seat cover user or a hoverer, please share it with them. Not only will it save them time, and possibly protect their health, but it will keep me from ever having to sit in hover pee by accident ever again.

Thank you.